Taglines are SO 1999

The H1N1 Swine Flu Pandemic Panic has inspired its share -and then some- of attempts at humor, obviously because the bacon-loving denizens of the Web and American Society really don’t want to admit that the Jews and Muslims might be right in their rejection of things porkish. Of course, right now, there have been more cases of the New Flu being spread from people to pigs than from pigs to people, and the virus may need to make a mutation worthy of one of the X-Men in order to be a real threat. So, we can sit back and laugh, ha ha, ho ho, cough cough.

But if anything has provided a little joy in these troubled times, it is the plethora of pig-related puns that have emerged from the quasi-crisis. I like Gawker’s category for Swine Flu-related Stories: APORKALYPSE NOW (and wonder who they stole it from – JUST KIDDING).
And the Twitterer who responded to Rainn Wilson’s “Rename the Disease” campaign with HAMTHRAX

But nobody has brought home the bacon better than a webcomicker, of course, in this case the shift-key confused jOEL WATSON of HijiNKS ENSUE, who not only came up with the term HAMDEMIC, but also the largest batch of pig-related punny-cute names I’ve seen in one place.

Sir Francis Bacon
AbraHam Lincoln
Simon and River Ham
Porkins
Sparkling White Swine (an albino pig)
Alien pig visitor Pork from Ork
Vince with Ham-Wow!
Icelandic Pig Singer Pjörk
Ham Stoker
Seven of Swine
and (way too obviously) Kevin Bacon

Of course, I respond to something like this as a challenge to come up with more of my own (but can I top Pjörk?)

Ham Solo
Amy Swinehouse
Piggie Smalls (The Notorious P.I.G.)
Bā-khan Noonien Singh (come on, imagine Shatner yelling out “BĀ-KHAN!!!”)
Stephen ColBoar (or should that be spelled with a silent t?)
Hammah Montana
Pigmund Freud
Porker Wagoner
Hogust Wilson
Isaac, Taylor, and Zac Hamson
Hamuel Adams
Humphrey Boargart
Boar Diddley, Boar Derek and Little Boar Peep
Donnie Porko

and everyone at the evil insurance company APIG

PIG PORK SWINE BOAR HOG BACON HAM

Due to the H1N1 Swine Flu Pandemic Panic shutting down most of the country of Mexico (and some idelogical @$$holes using it against the Mexican people), I suspect the non-Mexicans partying and getting drunk on Cinco De Mayo will far outnumber the Mexicans, putting it on par with the Non-Irish-to-Irish ratio on St. Patrick’s Day. But, yes, I know it wasn’t that big a holiday IN Mexico to start with, like Hanukkah (or Chanuka or Chaka Khan) is for the Jewish Religion. But nothing like the way the eve of the Catholic All Saints Day became the pseudo-pagan Halloween. It seems like America can’t seem to get holidays for the non-majority culture right, but we are one of the very few nations that even try.

Anyway, in honor of the Ol’ Double Nickels (5/5, get it?), I’m going to link to a story I should have mentioned yesterday, when it was Star Wars Day (“May the Fourth Be With You”, a pun so painful I didn’t get it at first ), instead of something about Star Trek Klingons, of all things. Found on one of the 37,218 web sites with names that start with “Slash”, news of a secret Star Wars-related project that you’d have to be a total George Lucas Fanboy to know, or care about. And I carry the shame that, despite living in L.A. until 3.5 years ago, I had not been to Disneyland since before the “Star Tours” ride opened in 1987. But then, when they started featuring “Michael Jackson as Captain Eo” the year before, it scared me away from Disneyland forever. And “Star Tours” replaced my favorite not-so-high-tech attraction in Tomorrowland, Adventure Thru Inner Space, presented by Monsanto (and these days Monsanto is even creepier than Michael Jackson). But anything that used one of the voices of the immortal Paul Frees as narrator can’t be bad!

An interesting addendum to the Burger Klingon story; at the Star Trek premiere where the alien burger mascots were introduced, Nicki Finke (the only Hollywood reporting person who never lies) reported:

I’m told the catering company got the wrong date and location for the after party. Which meant that, at 7:30 PM, the staff had to run to Whole Foods and find some eats. It looked like a full-frills premiere except for the guests snacking on dinner rolls, salad, pita and hummus. What, No Tofu?

Now if I were going to point fingers about that food-related snafu, I’d say that the Klingon Burger King HAS NO HONOR!

Sometimes you get the bear, sometimes the bear gets you. In my case the bear got me, but not before I got two badgers, a weasel and a raccoon. My goals are modest.

I heard NBC is working on a spin-off of ER with a much smaller budget: WR (Waiting Room).

Is the correct phrase “hawk a loogie”? I always thought it was hock a loogie. No wonder they banned me from Pawn Shops.

When I hear “New World Order” I think “you want fries with that”?

The highlight of my visit to L.A. was an unhealthy meal at “Tommy’s Original”, evil twin of In N Out and Masters of the Chiliburger. And the thick brown but (IMO) luscious glop they call chili is now available in large take-home cartons. This is a clear and present danger because I recently realized my quest for The Ultimate Chili Fries is really a suicidal search for a way to quickly shut down my cardiovascular system.

Is there anything in Philosophy that WASN’T originated at 3AM?

Ever hear the Buddhist Good News/Bad News joke? (Stolen from Albert Brooks years ago) “The bad news is I have no good news for you. The good news is that’s all the bad news I have…”

When Virgin closes the last of its retail stores, will that mean EVERYBODY loses their Virginity?

I should’ve organized a Mirth Hour to follow Earth Hour with merriment and bad jokes. Maybe even increase my Cartoon Footprint.

Wendell’s Law of Fair Equivalence: If Evolution is “just a theory”, then by the same standards, Creationism is “just a myth”.

Wendell’s Law of Relative Mathematics: The correct answer to “what number am I thinking of” is ALWAYS “Never Enough”.

Wendell’s Law of the Scalability of Quality: Only in Lake Wobegon are all the children above average.

Wendell’s Law of Theatrical Analogies (stolen from @StephanieInCA on Twitter): All the world’s a stage and most of the actors are desperately under-rehearsed.

Wendell’s Law of Marketing: Never back away from an idea just because it serves no useful purpose. That’s the kind that sells big!

Wendell’s Law of Medical Collaboration: The authority of a doctor is in OPPOSITE proportion to the number of partners sharing his/her office.

Wendell’s Law of Responsible Actions: If your greatest regrets are the things you DIDN’T do, then you’ve never done ANYTHING.

Wendell’s Law of Christian Soldiering: When Religious Fundamentalists give up on politics, their next option is usually Holy War.

Wendell’s Law of Corporate Practices: A company with a “bad Corporate Culture” usually doesn’t fail until it has run all the companies with “GOOD Corporate Cultures” out of business.

Wendell’s Law of Pedantry: There’s nothing wrong with being pedantic… except when dealing with people who think it’s a communicable disease.

I may have an explanation for my plaintive query earlier today/yesterday about crunchy tomatoes at Burger King. Apparently, as part of a promotional tie-in with the new Star Trek movie (which I ASSUME everyone has heard way too much about), the premiere was attended by the Klingon Burger King and his Court.

Although I prefer the term “Burger Klingon” myself. (More pictures here)

Anyway, if you recall the Klingon eating habits depicted on various Treks, I think by getting a crunchy tomato, I got off relatively easy.

This is also where I remind myself that I have registered the domain name STATICKLINGON.COM but have never done anything with it. Any ideas?

One of the Celebrity Twitterers, @rainnwilson, in between tweets promoting movies he hasn’t finished making yet and observations like “Why is it called “Alvin and the Chipmunks”? It should have been called, ‘Alvin and Two Other Chipmunks”, prompts his followers to write funny stuff for him. Recent examples were the obvious “Rename the Swine H1N1 Flu” (best suggestion: “Hamthrax” from @BrennaWilson) and “New Ad Slogans for Corn” (“Corn: It’s A-Maize-ing!” @KenGHarrison).

Just after April Fools Day, he called for “ambiguous, wry, self-composed tombstones”. I only liked a few:
“Over My Dead Body” (shouldn’t that be “YOU’RE Over My Dead Body”?)
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.” (yeah, obvious)
“Yes, that was my final answer.”
“Can you hear me now? Good!”
“Looking for inspiration here? Don’t be an idiot.”
“GET OFF OF MY LAWN!” (because once you reach a certain age, you’ll never change)
“When I said over my dead body, it was meant as an expression”

And let me say that Twitter’s heavily-praised ‘real time search’ apparently thinks that time stops about 2 weeks ago – these were found via Google which suspiciously didn’t include the ones I came up with:

“Rest In Peace. And nobody’s gonna interrupt me.”

“No need to whisper. I’m really not interested in what you have to say.”

“Like your family’s going to do it better.”

“In case you were wondering what I’m up to, I’m not.”

(and I have actually considered this for myself) “What more can I say?”

But nobody can top Merv:

Although Oscar-winning Actor Jack Lemmon came close…

…especially ones with the initials BK…

Regarding the crunchiness of veggies:
Crunchy lettuce is good, but don’t go too far (into the center of the head for white chunks)
Crunchy Onions are good, as long as they’re not supposed to be grilled
Crunchy Pickles are not really expected, but appreciated when they happen
Crunchy Tomatoes… WHERE IN THE SEVENTH CIRCLE OF HELL DID YOU GET CRUNCHY TOMATOES?!?

The world continues to be in a Pandemic Panic over the H1N1 Swine Flu and attention is now focused on finding the origin of the semi-deadly disease, with one tactless UK government official blaming Susan Boyle, which is at least funnier than the US politicos who blame “Illegal Aliens”. The earliest known case of this specific strain is a 5-year-old boy in a small Mexican town downwind from a pig farm where everybody got the flu in the last couple months, but everyone else who was tested showed a less infamous strain. But an item in the background of one of the pictures of the thankfully-recovered kid prompted me to make another Exclusive Investigation.

Now, anybody who attends a comic book, sci-fi or tech convention knows that these congregations are breeding places for disease and many attendees have come home with cases of “Convention Flu”. The Disease Known as Legionnaire’s Disease got its name from its outbreak at an American Legion Convention (and it’s fatality rate from the advanced age of most American Legion members).

From March 20-22, there was a gathering known as the New England Webcomics Weekend, which included a plethora of the most popular webcomic artists from as far away as Los Angeles and Sweden, and from my past experience blogging about the field (which I may soon resume, under an even better blog name), the Webcomickers are a notoriously unhealthy group, known for practices like “group panels” and “guest strips” that spread disease and yet, those who have been in the semi-business for any amount of time have developed an ability to survive some of the awfullest afflictions, but usually only after taking what they euphemistically call a “hiatus”. It is well documented that 27.2% of the attendees of Webcomics Weekend had comic updates delayed or missed in the week following due to illness, suggesting that the event was a potential incubator for new and dangerous infections.

After a few inquiries, I became aware of one particular encounter at NEWW. It was between Jeffrey Rowland, who not only sometimes does two strips, but also is the CEO of Webcomicdom’s first MegaCorporation, the poorly-named Topatoco, which does business (often in a hot tub) with at last count 1,327 webcomic artists, and a fan who commented in a thick Mexican accent that his little nephew reminded him of Rowland’s Wigu character. Thus, a strong (but circumstantial) connection is made between one of Webcomicdom’s most contagious characters and “Patient Zero” 5-year-old Edgar Hernandez in this picture:

Maybe it’s time to rename “Swine Flu” to the “Wigu Flu”.

at McMetaFilter

I should be ashamed of myself, but I’m not.