Mekka-Lekka-Hiney Your Own Hiney

For those of you who are bemoaning not being able to attend SXSW this year, I’m offering a “virtual alternative”. Since here in the Central Coast part of California is as far SW as you can be in the US and still on dry land (It’s true! Look at the shape of California! San Diego is farther South, but quite a ways EAST!), I’ll be hosting a festival I call CCCXWWWW (Central California Coast by Wendell’s World Wide Web) or TAWTAABIWUAPBAA (Took A Wrong Turn At Albuquerque But I Wound Up At Pismo Beach After All). The major events include:

AGIFF (Arroyo Grande International Film Festival) in which they show every movie Zac Efron has ever appeared in (Midnight showing for “Hairspray” because, hey, it was John Waters’ idea)

MIMUPT (Madonna Inn Mens Urinal Peeing Triathalon) The World Famous Tourist Attraction (in the words of Dave Barry, I’m NOT making this up!) will pay host to competitions in (1) distance (2) accuracy (using that one red rock as the target) and (3) legible writing in a pile of artificial snow from the restaurant ice shaving machine. 18 or over admitted only.

WRHMCCF (William Randolph Hearst Memorial Conspicuous Consumption Festival, in the parking lot at Hearst Castle (to accommodate the Hummers and other massive SUVs), hosted by a group of White Collar Criminals on work release from the SLO Mens Colony.

Other side events will include a concert featuring all the American Idol runners-up who have never appeared at the Mid-County Fair (all 3 of them), an appearance at the Niblick Road McDonalds by the Hamburglar who will demonstrate to residents of the North County how to really pronounce “Robles”, and a tribute to Peter Cook (and Dudley Moore, if you insist) at the Frog and Peach pub where Frog ala Peche will be served and unidexters will get half-off.

I will also be leading excursions through the DMZ between SLO and Santa Barbara County to explore “Santa Maria, the Fresno of the Future” (at your own risk, of course).

The real reason I’m doing this is as a way to contribute to the Comic Relief Red Nose Day without having to (1) go to England (2) wear a clown nose or (3) give them money I don’t have. There are some intrepidinsane souls who are attempting a 24-hour webcast (as long as they don’t take the webcams with them for bathroom breaks, we might all get through this) for the cause, and various internet-based S.I.P.s (Somewhat Important People) are doing other things (which I hope the link above will keep track of). But if you want contribute actual money (converted to British Pounds, because that’s where they’re based – you didn’t expect an American charity to actually do something cool, did you?) just click on this logo here and may I suggest an “admission fee” of $5 or £3 for each of the virtual events you wish to “attend”? (although the Hearst Conspicuous Consumption Event should be more)

Since there’s no way for me to actually know what you’re contributing to Comic Relief so feel free to leave a comment here with whatever lie you want to make or send a Twitter to @wendelldotme if you know how that works. Thank you, and I promise not to do anything like this for the rest of the year.

I only see things like this when I go out without a camera (and I just recently acquired a Flip Video thingy for the purpose of catching everything… it was safely in the pocket of the jacket I didn’t put on)…

Remember during the ’70s Energy Crisis when you’d see big trucks with signs on the back saying “TO CONSERVE FUEL, THIS VEHICLE WILL NOT BE DRIVEN OVER 55 MPH”? I saw one still in use today on a truck on Highway 101. But with a small change: the “55″ had been replaced with “90″. (And, yes, it was going slightly less than 90.)

Some of the memes that get created and propagated on Twitter and other “Web Social Media Site Thingies” are good, but it always seems the worst of them that rise to the top. Obvious case: the Facebook “25 Things About Me” version of the previous “5 Things About Me” blog chain letter. And the Twitterizing of Skittles candies… or is that the Skittlizing of Twitter? Still in the battle for #hashtag supremacy (if you don’t know, don’t ask), the tale of the #giantblueglowingcock (Watchmen gone pr0n) does rule. Of course, I’ve heard of several other bloggers getting many visitors from searches for “Dr. Manhattan’s blue penis”, but would I do something like that just to get traffic? Dr. Manhattan’s blue penis. Dr. Manhattan’s blue penis. Any questions?

I’ve kind of appreciated the 140-character limit for helping to train me to avoid my usual excessive pun-on sentence – with hyphens (and parentheses) and any other available device to stretch out a single thought to its tensile limit OR to string multiple concepts together without giving the reader a chance to catch his/her breath, which is usually not my grammatical error, rather my personal style and a declaration of my personal sadistic attitude toward the hapless reader. There, I’ve said it.

So, when given the following challenge by the lovely, talented and standards-compliant Molly Holzschlag challenged me: “Finish this statement for me, but with only one (as in 1) tweet: “If everything is funny, then [add answer here]“”

Of course, I had a bunch of possible answers:

“If everything is funny, nothing is all that scary”

“If everything is funny, the people who take things too seriously are the funniest”

“If everything is funny, comic relief actors are out of work”

“If everything is funny, satirists are doomed”

“If everything is funny, I should be allowed to laugh at everything!”

Gee that sounds a lot dirtier than it is… OR IS IT?

Remember, only half of what I say is serious, the rest is just getting your attention. YOUR job is figuring out what’s in which category.

Is it just me or has LateNightDave been lately turning into a Cranky Old Man lately? Maybe he’s getting ready to replace Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes.

If they do hold untelevised debates, they’ll probably be Town Halls held in Mayberry, Sunnydale, Jericho, Springfield, Smallville and South Park.

(for a Political Rock Band meme…)
The Debatles?
The Moody Blue States and Simply Red States
The U2 Party System
Wilson Ticket or Hank Ballot
(with apologies) Rowe Diddley
And how did I miss… The Al Green Party?

Further research shows that many twitter users confuse “Lord of the Flies” and “Lord of the Rings” with hilarious results.

My four-letter desination on the Meyer-Brigges scale spells “DORK”. Is that unusual?

How to tell things are REALLY bad.
My additions: #11 Apple starts selling REAL APPLES.
#12 Michael Richards replace that OTHER Cramer and nobody notices.
#13 McDonalds’ Monopoly Game files for Chapter 11

Hasn’t Science debunked the theory of Identical Cousins yet? Or are they still working on disproving Talking Horses?

“breast cancer awareness Canadian quarter”: finally recognizing the massive overlap between coin collectors and fondlers.

For HEADLINE FRIDAY competition: “Palin says God blessed America with oil and gas.”
…before he knew who was going to move there.
At a loss why He blessed Iran and Saudia Arabia with even more.
That’s in the little-sung thirteenth verse of the Irving Berlin song.
Which is why there’s NO SMOKING in Church.
So they have the wrong stuff in the baptism pools?
And cursed us with phone and cable.
And after that burrito, I feel especially blessed.
…but incredibly had nothing to do with washing your windshield.
(my favorite) Palin family gathers at drug store to praise Alli.

We all construct our own reality. Some of us just use better raw materials.

Yeah, I’m a PC… A PC-13 to be more precise. Brief, non-frontal nudity, mild violence and no more than 2 uses of the F-word.

If you manage it right, the rectal exam portion of your 15 minutes of fame is less than 3 minutes.

Everytime I see Thomson Seedless Grapes I think of Warren Zevon’s “Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner”. Is that wrong?

I used to think the First Captain of the Enterprise was Adam Smith.

I think I have set a personal Multi-Tasking record: 6 things at once (if you include spider killing and peeing)

I’ve been a couponer since they were made from bearskin. Much harder to clip back then.

Headline: “Man Nabbed With Frozen Shrimp in Pants” He had learned much from the time he was caught with live lobsters.

And I though Harry Proboscis was a former Prime Minister of Greece.

Reacting to “Blogs are Dead” article I just wrote: “This will be neither the first nor last time I commit an act of necromedia.” I amuse me.

“The founding fathers knew not to trust the populous” That’s why they owned slaves.

If I read the news correctly, Rackspace has just acquired every rack on rateyourrack.com?

If only all political attack ads started with “yo mama”, the world would be a better place.

I, for one, have a lot easier time working with Socialists than Antisocialists.

Penguins make bad movies tolerable and good movies better. Penguins are the Bacon of the cinematic animal world. It’s an interesting coincidence that you can kill yourself as slowly with a penguin as with bacon.

(to creator of NETTUTS.com) I know TUTS is short for TUTORIALS, but you keep giving me a Steve Martin “King Tut” earworm… Born in Babylonia, moved to Arizona. And if I TRY to pronounce it “toots”, the voice of George Carlin saying “Toots, meet Tits. Tits, meet Toots” comes back to me.

After 10+ days, many Dunkin non-jelly Donuts are more durable than the standard spare tires in most GM models – Consumer Retorts

Why isn’t there any Amateurzac™?

Remember, a rising tide raises some boats, swamps the well-anchored ones, drowns waders and washes lifeguard stands out to sea.

I’ve heard some reporters say a wineglass is an essential reporter’s tool. But then they’re unessential reporters. And tools.

Used to be afraid to shop at Target in the old Cold War days. If the Russians attacked, they’d first hit the buildings with bullseyes on ‘em

The 3 Basic Rules of Synchronization are: Location, Location, Location. Or rather: LLLooocccaaatttiiiooonnn.

Most of the opposition to Socialism comes from Anti-Socialists (in the psychological meaning of the term).

Why do I keep thinking “Joey Pants” was the sequel to “Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat “??

The endless “Saw” sequels are like the very definition of things you can’t Un-see. See? See Saw. Been There. Seen Saw. So sowwy.

Did you know that mixing Free Love and Tie Die was the Number One cause of injury among hippies between 1966 and 1970?

Billy Mays doesn’t so much ‘pitch’ as he ‘heaves’ toward home plate.

I once had a place with a floor-to-ceiling fireplace. But that was only WHILE it was burning down.

I took a course in Swamp Management in college, so I am well qualified to run a muck.

There’s a reason Xanax starts and ends with an X. Like Xerox. I once got them mixed up. Results were definitely NOT pretty.

I thought “Succubucks” was the name of a VERY successful chain of coffee houses…

When you say “I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else” you insult one-legged people (and men in kilts)

“Venture Philanthropy” sounds promising… but watch out if he ever announces “Venture Philanthropy Vista”.

It’s called “the Government” when it’s oppressing you, when it’s oppressing people you don’t like, it’s “the Community”.

I like fractals. Without fractals, the characters on Battlestar Galactica would have nothing to say when they’re pissed.

It can’t be repeated too often: DO NOT Tweet while Driving, Bike Riding, Walking, Drinking, Using the Toilet or Toenail Clipping.

I’m still a semi-fan of Merlin Mann in spite of his recent obsession with people who get obsessed with buying expensive cameras, and I really really wish he hadn’t stopped updating his “5ives” site, which was having fun with numbered lists years before it became annoyingly ubiquitous.

Still, as with many such lists (I’m looking at you Letterman), many of the lists of five had one item which stood head-and-shoulders above the others, and it wasn’t often the one numbered 1.

So as a public service to those of you who don’t want to go through the six years of archives, and to inform Mr. Mann what kind of things he should rank higher if he ever starts 5ives-ing again (and to give me a way to recycle a large quantity of someone else’s funny without being accused of plagiarism), I present the Top 01nes of Merlin Mann’s 5ives:

01ne terrible fake name for a James Bond movie
3. Tumbler of Bullets

01ne $#!++y band that play the lounge in that hotel near your airport
5. The Feelin’ Fines

okay, 01ne other $#!++y band that play the lounge in that hotel near your airport
3. Fünk Mechanicz!

01ne thing anyone in earshot should legally be permitted to do to a car when its alarm is falsely blaring
3. Break into trunk, fill with AOL® discs

01ne fake name I like to give at restaurants
1. Mr. Bob Dobalina

01ne terribleperfect fake name for your new pleasure boat
1. Papa’s Li’l Cry for Help

01ne piece of never-passed legislation proposed by Mr. Bush
1. Protection of Words Fewer than Three Syllables Act

01ne comic strip character I loathe
5. Dead Grandpa (Family Circus)

01ne great thing about southern Ohio
1. You get a basement

01ne terribleLOL fake name for a James Bond women
3. Badonka Donk

01ne terriblekinda fun fake name for feminine hygiene products
2. Dressy Drawers

01ne dotcom term that stillwill ALWAYS make me cringe
1. monetize

01ne ass-related word I think I use a lot
2. asshat (n.) – willfully ignorant person

also, 01ne ass-related word I think I use a lotnot nearly enough
1. metric assload (n.) – a lot

01ne stage name I’d consider if I ever became a singing drag queen
5. Margarita Salt

01ne thing I fear I might do if I were a ten-foot-tall monster with metal claws, laser beam eyes, and razor-sharp fangs
1. Undertake bloody rampage on the set of The View

01ne thing I’d like to see engraved on little rubber bracelets
1. nap strong

01ne terrible fake 60’s dance craze
5. The McNamara

01ne California city that sounds kind of dirty
1. Coalinga

01ne terrible fake secret about Seals & Crofts
2. In industry circles, Seals was rumored to have been behind an abortive plot to whack Bread, America, and Poco

01ne reason the terrorists hate us (apart from “our freedom”)
4. those delicious steak fries

01ne terrible fake pledge-week special on PBS
3. Gwen Ifill leads a group of American schoolchildren on a field trip to the Beijing factory where your tote bag was manufactured

01ne song I’d enjoy hearing Tom Waits cover
5. “Theme from Laverne & Shirley“

01ne terrible fake reality TV show
2. Project Segway

01ne unusual Top Chef production crew title
5. Clog Wrangler

01ne terrible fake Jane Austen novel
4. Funk and Functionality

In which I get my repurposed Twitterings pretty much caught up and prepare to return to more “blogging as usual”, whatever that is:

Stimulusdebate quote: “restart the American prosperity engine.” But it’s like a car I used to have. It’ll restart but stall again after a few blocks.

If you ever fall to temptation ay Baskin-Robbins, you can always say “I said no to 30 out of 31 flavors… well, 29″.

Okay, “King”, I’ve had Angry Whoppers 2 different places. One was angrier than other. Are you zoning for jalapeno tolerance?

This Is Why You’re Fat.com? Honestly, it isn’t. Really. I am definitely fat, and almost everything in that blog looks totally disgusting to me. It’s the stealth calories that made me too much of what I am… “but a Taco Salad can’t be that fattening… It’s a salad!”

Everybody cut foot loose? I tried that once, but the surgeons reattached it.

I keep thinking “shouldn’t that be Australian BRushfires?” but no, it’s in the Australian Bush. And Bushfires don’t care about black or white people.

The way I heard it, the Energizer Bunny was working together with the Morton “Rains/Pours” Girl on a case of a salt and battery.

Yes, Twitter is a Family Medium… that includes Sly and the Family Stone, the Addams Family and the Manson Family.

“Twitter is Conversation Squared” or conversation cubed or conversation rounded or conversation rounded down or conversation times pi or the cotangent of conversation.

I personally find “25 Random Things About Me” to be 26 Things Too Many!

Why can’t I look at the word lobotomy without immediately thinking of the “bottle in front o’ me” pun? I must be seriousophobic.

And Chinese LOLCATs go “LMAO!”

I thought SoccerMoms were the ones who kicked their kids around without using their hands (and HockeyMoms use sticks).

“Octomom” sounds like a Spiderman villain? They’re rewriting the Spidey4 script at this very moment.

In America we believe in learning from others’ mistakes so that we can duplicate them perfectly.

For #followfriday, I follow @thesun @themoney @myheart @up and @jaylenoonmostofthesesamestations

My 10,000th Tweet: Where does a 10,000 pound canary perch? Anywhere it wants. What does a 10,000 pound canary say? TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET.

The pun is mightier than the s-word, or even the f-word.

BSG quote: “Does the pot say to the potter why hast though made me thus?” If your pot is talking to you, time to put the bong down Phelps.

There’s a #hashtagmafia on Twitter?!? That explains why somebody left the head of the Fail Whale in my bed.

Most of the buckets on my bucket list are currently in use catching rain leaking through the roof. Need a waterproof file list.

My contributions to a Tank Pun War:
Q: What do you call nostagia for tank warfare? A: Tanks for the memories.
Q: What to you call the soldier who sits on top of the tank? A: A tank top.
Q: What do they call an armored vehicle with an inebriated driver? A: A drunk tank.

Considering “Sham” is part of the product’s name, isn’t “ShamWow imitator” kind of redundant?

Major Bugaboo was a character in a supposed Gilbert & Sullivan operetta that was found to actually be written by Ogden Nash.

The winners don’t usually write the history books until they’re through shredding the books written by the losers.

Costco has more shoppers who suffer from terminal levels of “Entitlement” than any other store.

“What if everything collapses?” Then we get a truly even playing field. Flat, that is.

A Babylon 5 Fan is:
Somebody who believes Wil Wheaton is just a Bill Mumy wannabee.
Somebody who wakes up every morning with Centauri hair.
Somebody who believes Mira Furlen was the best thing ever to happen to “Lost”.
Somebody who prefers Walter Koenig without the cheezy accent.
Somebody who would rather be a Ranger than a Jedi.
Somebody who knows “No boom today. Boom tomorrow. There’s always a boom tomorrow. Boom, sooner or later…Boom!”
Somebody who knows somebody (or has been somebody) exactly like Zathras.

Change of subject: A Farscape fan is someone who is not afraid of Muppets.
Or someone who’d rather be Frelled than Frakked.

I have never known an Ayn-Rand-loving Independent Contractor who didn’t overcharge for shoddy work.

Las Vegas is “America’s Emptiest City”? Sure, after Wall Street made investing the same as gambling it was inevitable.

The Bumper Sticker Remix Challenge:
“I’m so far behind, I’ve lapped myself”
“Say ON to Dyslexia”
“Irreverent Never Regrets”
“If it ain’t broke, you’re not using it enough”
“Mistakes Were Maid”
“A Breakfast Without Orange Juice Is An Early Lunch”
“If It’s Crappy and You Know It, Poop Your Pants!”
“My Grown Kid Was An Honor Student And Still Makes Less Than I Did At The Same Age”
but sometimes, a bumper sticker remix can go horribly wrong: “Jesus Is Coming… Zoom In For The Money Shot”

When StarWars was just starting out, I wrote a little satirical sci-fi: “Darth Nader, Interplanetary Consumer Advocate”. If I’d known then where both of those personalities would end up…

Wonder what would happen if you mixed Mighty Putty with Silly Putty. Something Mighty Silly I guess.

Some more Twitter recycling. (I am honestly catching up; this will not go on forever)

You’ve reached the pinnacle, the peak, the acme, the apex, the ceiling, the crest, the zenith. Or maybe the pinochle, the peek, the acne, the apteryx, the sealing, the crust, the xerox.

It’s a flavor explosion! Or a flavor meltdown! Or a flavor mix that gets hot, starts foaming and strips the wax off your table

When I’m in line behind people having a conversation in another language, I always act like I understand what they’re saying. I look attentive, nod, occasionally mumble “uh huh”… it usually keeps them from talking about ME…

Another Economic Bill passed Congress – with amendments: the Financial Utility Buffering Act Revised – FUBAR.

I never got really questioned my sexuality. I let my ex-wife do it.

Lawyer jokes? This is taking attorney for the worse.

Rapture Counter-Argument: We’re NOW in the Tribulations, Rapture already occurred, but so few people made the cut it wasn’t noticed.

Aren’t “one in the same” and “one and the same” pretty much one and the same? This concludes today’s episode of SmartAss Corner

Actors from Mad Men can only appear on other shows set in the present if they wear “mirror universe” beards. Yes, the women too.

Why is it always “Wall Street vs. Main Street”? What about Wisteria Lane, Broadway, Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., Primrose Lane, 57th Street, Sunset Boulevard, Route 66, Pacific Coast Highway, Skid Row and Drury Lane (does anybody care about The Muffin Man’s business)?

Keeping my money under my mattress? Well, let’s just say I’m heavily invested in Comfort Foam.

For Urban School-Age LOLCATS, the Itteh Bitteh Citteh Kitteh Committeh…

(Sept. 28, 2008) “Yesterday’s economic bailout talks were propelled by the need to act swiftly, before McCain wakes up from his nap…”

Like Deepak Tupak in the ad, I’m a human being, not a human doing. More like a human lying on my ass.

I told the guys at CERN “you’re making it too hadron yourself…”

I thought tacky-on particles were what FARK’s content is made of…

L&O Spinoffs:
Years ago I proposed a show about a crime team stationed in a Ford Explorer: “Law & Order: SUV”
If Jerry Orbach was so important to the franchise, then they need “Law & Order: The Broadway Musical”
Based on the “broken windows” policy in NYC, there should be “Law & Order: Extremely Petty Crimes Unit”
“Law & Order: NASDAQ” would have the weekly “who killed the high tech startup?” They’ll never run out of stories.
If they’re going to keep doing stories ‘ripped from the headlines’, they’ll need both “Law & Order: NY Times” & “Law & Order: NY Post”
Considering what NBC really really really needs to save the network: “Law & Order: Cosby” Oh, that’s right, they already did “Cosby Mysteries”. Then how about “Law & Order: Cheers”?
One more in potential bad taste: “Law & Order: WTC”, the serialized story of investigators who are STILL trying to figure out 9/11

I’ve never been a Smooth Operator. Do you need a license to operate a Smooth?

If it weren’t for Gaffers, we would never have any Blooper Reels, right?

The Perfect Tweet: “Traffic stopped, iPhone down, Palin idiot, stock crashed, doc says cancer but new sushi place great!”

The difference between “I <3 the 80s" and "I <3 the 80s 3D"? The illusion that it's closer than it really is?

@wordpress I don't wanna go to WordCamp! I wanna stay WordHome with my WordFriends and sleep in my own WordBed!

You know Mexican Coca-Cola factories still use cane sugar? Right now, I think it's smuggled into Calif. more than the other Coke.

Don Rickles never made it into the "Rat Pack"; he had a totally other Pack of his own. Every time I'd hear the name of one of the other comedians who "liked to hang out with Don" I was surprised... Don Adams, Tim Conway, Bob Newhart... THAT's a Pack. A Hockey Puck Pack.

name drop: I grew up in the San Fernando Valley two blocks from the house Tim Conway bought when he got his first acting job and never moved out of.

I once took solace. They made me put it back.

Did I miss the Twittermeme of the Day? [Substitute Hobo for Hero] I guess it'd take a hoboic effort to find one that hasn't already been done....
But did anyone mention the Greek historian Hobotocus? Or Hoba, the Goddess of Love and Marriage?
Did anybody admit to being addicted to hoboin?
How about the wading bird, the Great Blue Hobon?
Or the wrestler-turned-actor Dwayne ThoBock Johnson?
Would mentioning the Jeep Chobokee be taking this too far?
Still, I'll bet hoboes put off strong phobomones...
Getting a little obscure: Hobophilos…
What about the other side? Hobos and Violins? Hobos and Vermins? Hobos and Vulcans? Hobos and Millions?

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: JOE SIX-PACK NEEDS A 12-STEP.

I blame kitties for our current economic crisis with their Adjustable Rate Litterboxes and Derivative Scratching Posts.

The disturbing part is the first thing I noticed about “FLILF” is that it’s a palindrome.

Why am I having such trouble with the acronyms/ initials of current TV shows? T:SCC is obviously Truthiness: Stephen Colbert’s Cribs

Life in a non-battleground state is relatively free of bomb craters, unexploded ordinance and unapproved messages.

I support Human Clowning. As for cloning, it’s the least fun reproductive method I can think of.

The failure of current food technology: “Tasty nutritious pellets.” Pick any two.

Weather finally cooling… a good sign because I’m overheated, undermotivated, overcarbonated and underdressed.

How was it the “Dean Scream” destroyed his candidacy but none of McCain’s strange noises have done him any electoral damage? Oh, yeah, that’s right, only Republicans are allowed to be inarticulate… and adulterers.

What’s the opposite of a Mountain Dew? Mountain Don’t? Canyon Dew? Prairie Dust?

CLICHE DEBUNKING: I’ve been up all night (not sick and not drunk), and it does get noticeably less dark in the last hour before dawn.

Land-O-Lakes is the Official Cheese of LOL.

I had enough trouble accepting “The Green Burrito” as not advertising moldy food, but “Pink Taco”? Like Hooters South of the Border?

My favorite Scanahoovian-sounding word is Bösendorfer. It’s a brand of piano but could be almost anything! The ship docks at Bösendorfer. He acts like a real Bösendorfer. OW! You hit me in the Bösendorfer! The Bösendorfer comes through here every night. Keep off the Bösendorfer! The Bösendorfer Effect. Death by Bösendorfer.

Gibson? Which one? William, Charlie, Mel, Henry, Deborah-formerly-Debbie, John, Don or Hoot? (Henry’s my favorite)

Why hasn’t some Safe Sex advocate ever hired This Old Master Carpenter Norm Abrams to do his “safety glasses” speech reworded for condoms?

Are you sure that’s your biological clock ticking? It could be your biological hard drive about to fail…

“Tragically delicious” is the advertising line for Yucky Charms.

…and it seemed to disappear without a trace for a while, didn’t it? No such luck, I have so many short shots to shoot…

If Anne Frank had had an iPhone, she’d have gotten about four Tweets out before the Nazis would’ve found her.

I thought “Clean Coal” was what Santa gave to White-Collar Naughty Kids.

And the Watchmen Babies movie will be AFTER the “Electric Boogaloo” sequel, right?

I agree it really IS a private matter, but let me be the first to say: Coming Soon from Apple – the iLiver

But carbon footprint analysis is always done sitting down, so it should be “carbon buttprint”.

NC-17? I have ideas that would be rated at least NC-35.

(Contributing to a “Blonde Jokes” challenge… yes, I can be shameless)
Did you hear about the blonde who won a gold medal at the Olympics? She was so proud, she had it bronzed.
What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blond hair? Last year’s Hide and Seek champion.
Why didn’t the blonde make it as a helicopter pilot? When her hair got messed up, she switched off the ceiling fan.
Then there was the blonde who asked Tiger Woods if Golf Balls were as painful as Tennis Elbow…

This is a Test of the Emergency Bacon System. If this had been an actual emergency, you’d be toast, not bacon.

“phishing”, “trolling”… is there any way of Harvesting the Bounties of the Sea that ISN’T a bad thing on the Web?
“-casting” is okay, if you like pods.

Time is NOT on MY side. But then I’ve rarely been allied with the Stones.

I cringe at most Obamerchandise, but love the shirt that reads “Obama-Bama-Bo-Bama Banana-Fana-Fo-Fama Fe-Fi-Fo-Fama OBAMA”. But on an Adult shirt, please. Don’t put your opinions on your kids’ clothing – you will both regret it someday.

Some things I react to the same way Pavlov’s Dog reacted to Schrodinger’s Cat. Or not.

“New housing development called AltaVista.” Nice place – if you can find it. Doesn’t show up on Google Maps.

The saddest thing about not believing in Life After Death? Knowing that those who do won’t even get the chance to be disappointed.

Of course, Canadians call “Canadian Bacon” Back Bacon. Which I guess makes American Cheese what? Front Cheese? Instead of “Freedom Fries”, the Francophobes should’ve allowed the renaming of French Fries “Side Fries”. Nationalist Food is Fun!

If Katie Couric does a newscast in the timeslot that’s usually “New Adventures of Old Christine”, will anyone notice the difference?

On Twitter there is no ‘day’ or ‘night’, just hours when only drunks in America and workers in Asia are Tweeting.

BSG SPOILER: They discover there was a SEVENTH Cylon… but never learn whether it was Pete Best, George Martin or Billy Preston.

We’re all Evolutionists here, because there is NO Intelligent Design on the Web.

Theodore Sturgeon did say that 90% of everything is crap. Although it can also be said that 90% of Theodore Sturgeon is decomposed.

Here’s an easy prediction: after all this “everybody cuts staff by 10%”, in 6-9 months, there will be a flurry of “oops”-based re-hiring.
Easy prediction #2: the minor bounce back in employment will make many “experts” think the worst is over. It won’t be.

In addition to Grande size, I’d like to see a Gandhi size for those of us fasting. (Fast food? That’s an oxymoron)

I prefer pronouncing Route as “root”, as in “The Hollywood Freeway is the Route of All Evil”.

I live just off Highway 101 and sometimes wish I had a big programmable sign to point at the traffic:
“GOING
TO L.A.?
TURN
AROUND”
“YOU
DROPPED
SOME-
THING”
“YOU ARE
IN SLO
COUNTY.
SLO DOWN”
“TOOK
WRONG
TURN AT
ALBQ”

Yes, yes, I know “only Nixon could go to China”… but why the @#$% did he have to come BACK?

My favorite Pun Fight is the Fish Pun Fight, just for the Halibut…
Holy mackerel and may cod save my sole, my puns are roughy trade, turbot-charged with bass boost and can be smelt for miles.
From my lofty perch on Pike’s Peak, I can tell you’re in a real pickeral, feeling a little eel with nothing moray to say.
Don’t let the dory hit your bass on the ray out.
I’m hard albacore and bullheaded enough to carp and sturgeon this until the cowfish come home.
I’m no heart sturgeon, just a clownfish.
And I can be rather shellfish and crabby, so maybe I should clam up before I get scalloped.

New Ad Slogan for Arizona Tourism: “The Home of Second Place Finishers. (McCain, the Cardinals) Make Us the Second Place You Visit”

Some of us barely have paradigms to rub together.

My brain space is invaded so much, I should just put up a toll booth.

Instead of firing Michael Phelps, Kelloggs should have sent him to their more-stoner-friendly Keebler cookie division: “Dude, I see elves!”

If A-Roid breaks Barry Bonds’ home run record, will he get TWO asterisks?

Does it seem inevitable that one of “Octomom’s” umpteen kids will sooner or later be adopted by Angelina Jolie?

I hate people using the phrase “raped my childhood”. Most of the ‘outrages’ they complain of are really no worse than “inapropriately touching my childhood”.

So a/s/l now stands for Angry Southern Leprechaun?

I should add “Community Disorganizer” to my job titles.

Time again for the Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year, which I usually end up doing a post on MetaFilter about, but based on what went from the Longlist to the Shortlist this year, I don’t think I can honestly call it the Best of the Web.

Here are the finalists which I have put in order from my favorite to “they consider this ODD?”

Curbside Consultation of the Colon: 49 Clinical Questions by Brooks D Cash (SLACK Incorporated)

Strip & Knit with Style by Mark Hordyszynski (C&T)

Let’s face it, the alliteration pushes “Curbside Consultation of the Colon” over the top but “Baboon Metaphysics” is close behind (I have to wonder if Dorothy the co-author is related to a certain other famous Cheney) But here are several titles from the previously released “Long List” that deserve more to be on the “Short List” than the other four (I mean, haven’t we ALL stripped and knitted at least once?):

God or a Bench: Sculpture As a Problematic Art During the Ancien Regime by Anne Betty Weinshenker (Peter Lang Publishing Group)

The Industrial Vagina by Sheila Jeffreys (Routledge)

I think they had a quota of one for American University press, or else the Aztecs and the Frogs would’ve been shoo-ins. And maybe “All Dogs Have ADHD” was little too true to be odd. And maybe they were afraid of following up last year’s dubious winner, “If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start with Your Legs” with “The Industrial Vagina”. Still, odd is in the eye of the beholder.

And yes, those are all Amazon Affiliate links, but instead of paying $9,995.00 for “God or a Bench” (yes, that’s the price), for half that ($4,997.50), I will personally go wherever you are, read you any other book on the list AND build you a bench. If you can find a better deal… don’t bother me.

In my web wanderings, I stumbled on this image being stored at “tinypic”

(It’s not tiny so I shrunk it to fit here; if you’re having trouble reading it, the original’s over here)

Personally, I don’t think that Twitter is the most retarded thing of the current era, (I Twitter frequently, and if you miss me here, check me out there) and I can come up with a lot of other things to fill those word balloons with. Here is just one:

There will be more. In the meantime, speaking of Twitter, the anticipation of the Big Deal that will be the premiere of The Watchmen Movie means that we can expect the Twitterverse to soon be filled with chirping about Owls vs. Bats, Giant Squids, Nixon and Dr. Manhattan’s Private Parts. So, I thought up an appropriate graphic accompaniment.

One more thing, as the cringeworthy saga/ad campaign of the Critically Injured Jack Box continues to careen deeper into the realm of really bad taste, may I recommend a little change in the fast food chain’s corporate branding: